How Tommy affects me

I like the film Tommy. There’s no denying that. I also like the album. I couldn’t really figure out what it was. Many questions went through my mind; Have I actually started to feel sexual feelings towards a guy who is now 70 years old (Roger Daltrey), perhaps it’s the visuals, maybe it’s the story…. Then I realised… It’s the lyrics…

See me….

hear me…

touch me…

heal me…

One day while listening to this, enlightenment came to me. I finally figured out why I was feeling so intense. I had a flashback.

I was 12 years old. Numb inside. I heard nothing, saw nothing and said nothing. I was trapped. I wanted to get out. I wanted to tell someone what was going on. My brain was working on overdrive, imagining things I can’t possibly describe. I was deaf dumb and blind to the world that overwhelmed me, threatened me and scared me. Yet I wanted to be free.

It’s been a long time since I was that silent, scared girl at school. These days people know if something is wrong as I will immediately retreat back into ‘my world’. It’s a lot easier to get me out these days.

As for the ‘sexual attraction’, I eventually figured out it wasn’t a sexual attraction, I was merely feeling an emotion that I wanted to feel way back then. The way it feels to have someone hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay even if you cannot respond. To acknowledge your existence with a hug and not violence. Yes I had lots of Cousin Kevin in my life (no real cousins I hasten to add!).

Sometimes I feel like I want to go back inside, but now I have music in my life again, I don’t want to. To quote another song from Tommy:

‘I’m free’

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