So an article appeared on my news feed featuring a man who is autistic, wants a cure for autism and is getting treated like shit by the rest of the autism community for wanting this. Well, better line me up in the shooting gallery because I want a cure too… FOR ME. I don’t want to cure you if you like having autism, I don’t want to cure your amazing son or daughter who has savant skills, I want to cure ME.
No one could understand what it is like to be in my head. It is a constant barrage of colours, sounds, smells and the other senses too. My brain and body struggle to coordinate. I hear the music in my head, beautiful music. I’ve always heard it and always wanted to get it out but my brain won’t let my body communicate. Attempts to play the full orchestral pieces I hear in my head usually result in a keyboard being thrown, or a page covered in black spots where I have tried (and failed) to write the music down. I see amazing images in my head but can’t draw them unless my brain decides that today is a ‘good day’. I feel like my skills in music and art are completely pointless with this autistic (and ADHD… I’d cure that too) mind I am stuck in.
The only thing I can do well is write, and even that is something I can only do sometimes. If you have followed my blog for a while, you may have noticed I often disappear for days, weeks or even months. This is because my mind is not allowing me to get my thoughts out. Chances are, I can’t get my thoughts and feelings out in real life either. Can you imagine how frustrating this is for me? So yeah, I’d give up my autism and ‘gifts’ in an instant and swap it for a life where I don’t suffer from constant anxiety and overload, can get a job without being a burden (I am a burden, not saying other autistics are), get a partner, actually HAVE feelings for another human being and go out to parties.
So if you have autism and you want to keep it rather than cure it, that is fine by me. I do not wish to ‘wipe out’ an entire group of people. Just myself. Is it really that bad to want to be cured when your life is so hard?